It’s a lonely journey,
for the broken and wounded hearted.
It’s the ‘reduced to a crawl’ kind of trek.
Through the fire burning yearning,
to the never ending despair.
It’s been quite the epic adventure,
for this tearful traveler.

But now is the time to move on.
The life you once had is gone.
Time is what it takes to heal,
and all you can do is just keep holding on

– Jen Larson November 2009
Inspired by: Audra. Y

– Jen Larson October 2009
Inspired by: Ayla K

By J. L. Larson

“Promise me we’ll always be together. Promise me you’ll always be there when I need you. I don’t think my life would be worth a damn if you weren’t in it. You always can put a smile on my face and make me laugh even when I’m miserable and in tears. Never let me go, never leave me behind… I love you and I always will.”

Her name was Hilory… She was the greatest person in my life. She was my world, my everything… My best friend.

Hilory and I grew up together. We lived next door to each other, we went to school together, and we did practically EVERYTHING with each other. She and I were pretty much joined at the hip. Always together and never apart.

Anyone who knew us thought we were the type of friends who were like sisters, but we were so much more then that.

Growing up with Hilory never seemed hard. When I had her beside me I felt like there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do. I wasn’t shy or anything, I just felt invincible whenever she was with me. I became confident and unstoppable.

The older we got the more about life we seemed to be forced to learn. We got older and we had to learn about our bodies, the changes we were experiencing. Since Hilory and I were so close it just seemed so natural to experiment with each other. Eventually this led us to learn that there was more to our friendship then just being friends.

Going to school with her was always a blast. In the summer before school was supposed to start we always would sit underneath the tree in the park that was just a couple of blocks away from where we lived, and select our classes together. It was a routine we did every year since Junior High.

The summer before our sophomore year turned out to be the best summer of my life, but it was also to turn into the biggest tragedy that I ever had to endure.

It was mid July, the summer after our junior year… I’ll never forget the day, July 18, 1997 which so happened to be a Friday. I just can’t forget…

Fridays were always special with Hilory and me. It’s not what we did on Friday’s that was so important, it was that we got to do it together that was special. Well this particular day was extra special.

I couldn’t believe my luck. My parents went camping, so I got the house to my self for the weekend. So this meant that I could have Hilory over and we could do whatever we pleased, but we settled for watching movies.

Hilory and I went to the video rental place and picked up a few movies to watch. The first one we got was a comedy, the second one was a horror flick, and the third was a Romeo and Juliet movie from the 60’s.

We made popcorn and the works, had our beverages, and whatever else we needed. We watched the comedy and laughed our socks off, and of course got giddy and hyper just in time to watch the horror movie. During this movie we got a little closer as we were getting scared. We were home alone after all.

When it came to watching the third movie, we were already snuggled up together. It was when I had my arm around her that I realized just how much I loved Hilory. I felt like I never wanted to let her go, I also wondered if she even wanted me too. It was hard to watch the movie when I could just watch her breathe and smile as she leaned into my body with my arm wrapped around her.

It was about half way through the movie when out of no where; she turned her self to face me and started kissing me. It wasn’t just the normal kiss when we were younger. This was something a lot stronger, passionate, and tender. It lasted for what seemed like hours, but was really just a minute or two.

She cupped my face as she kissed me. It stated of slow and soft, but then it got gradually more passionate as I started getting into rhythm. It was unbelievable, our surroundings, the movie, it all just faded away into the background. There was no movie, there was nothing but us. Hilory and Alex…

When our lips parted I was in a daze, I was feeling confused. My heart was racing, my breathing was heavy, and everything from the waist down was in a state of yearning. I clearly wanted more and looking at Hilory I could see she wanted it too.

I was too scared to make the next move, I mean does this make me gay, am I gay. Dear Lord I must be… I turned my head away from her and started to watch the movie again. The truth was I wasn’t even paying attention to the screen. In the corner of my eye I could see Hilory still looking at me with her blue eyes. There was a little curiosity, a little lust… and a little love.

How could I resist? I turned my head to look at her, and I just knew it. I was in love with her. I wanted her…

All it took was a look, and she was on top of me on the floor. The kissing was intense as her tongue parted my lips to toy with mine; this was unlike anything we had ever done. As she was kissing me, her hands were trying to take my shirt off, and I was trying to take hers off.

I started to kiss her neck and then her chest, it was really happening. We were about to cross the boundary, to cross the line between friends and lovers. Could we stay like this forever?

Hilory and I continued to make love to each other. Our love making went on for hours, getting lost in the ecstasy of our touch.

After that we just held each other in our arms. We didn’t say much in those following moments after we made love. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to say anything, it was the fact that we already knew what it was that we were thinking. We wanted to be closer, closer without another round of passionate sex. I had my arms around her as her head rested on my chest. I would kiss the top of her head and she would leave sloppy kisses on my chest.

Before I realized Hilory was asleep I started to talk to her. I started to say how I felt about her.

“I… think I’m in love with you… I uhh… I love you. I really, really love you… and I’m really scared Hilory. I mean what are we doing? Is this right? Is it wrong? My God, it feels so right, like this is fate… I love you Hilory… So very much.”

When I realized she was asleep, I knew I wouldn’t be able to live without her, that I needed her that my life wouldn’t be worth a damn without her… I am not sure what I would do if she were to ever leave me behind.

I tightened my arms around her and drifted off to sleep.

The following morning when I awoke, Hilory was gone. Her clothes were gone, the videos were gone, and her things seemed to be gone. Was this just a mistake to her? What have I done? This should have never have happened… But it did, and how could I ever regret it.

I got up and I got dressed. The bedroom never made me feel this cold or alone. Was this the part that I picked up the phone and phoned her? What would I say? Would I tell her it was all a mistake? Do I tell her that I’m not gay, that I’m not a lesbian, that I’m not a dyke or a fag or whatever? Oh my God what if she heard me confessing my love. Then what was I supposed to say.

As hard as all the thoughts were, I knew I had to get out of the room and head down stairs. Every step down seemed unbearable, Saturday morning; I still had a whole day of this nightmare. What if this lasts all weekend or worse, all summer. What kind of lie do I create to hide this truth that could bring shame to my family?

So many thoughts to sort out, I was starting to feel sick as I headed into the kitchen. When I walked into the kitchen I nearly died. On the table there was a note and on the rest of the table there were freshly cut flowers from the Mr. Anderson garden and a cup of coffee from the coffee shop down the road.

Unbelievable, the coffee wasn’t hot, but it was still warm. The flowers were beautiful and smelt amazingly nice. As for the note I couldn’t have been more petrified.

‘Hey sleepy head,

It should serve you right that your coffee is cold. You really aren’t one for getting up in the morning are you? Ha-ha, it’s ok. I love you all the same you lazy bones.

Sorry that I couldn’t stay in your arms until you woke up. Mom wanted me to go with her to get some stuff from the mall. Luckily she phoned my cell phone while I was already out getting your coffee. Oh and before I forget it might be a good idea to look in the mirror. See you later.

Love,

Hilory

P.S. Do you think Mr. Anderson will be pissed once he finds out that someone has been in his garden? That old man should feel lucky I never clipped everything. But even if I did pick all the flowers in his garden, they still wouldn’t be enough for my girl.’

I couldn’t have been more relieved. Things were going to be ok, we are going to be ok… did she say she loved me? We have always said we loved each other, was this different? This was just all over whelming, the thought of being Hilory’s girl.

I was curious now. Why do I need to look in the mirror? I quickly ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. On my forehead was this big red lipstick kiss print. She kissed my forehead. Now I was happier then anything in this world. It was funny now. How could I have managed to sleep through all that?

While I was in the bathroom, I decided to hop into the shower. What a way to start the day.

I finished up in the shower, got dressed and went to the flower shop and picked up two dozen roses, and somehow managed to get a couple bottles of Champaign. If Hilory was going to stay at my house again I wanted things to be perfect. I was going to make her a romantic dinner, give her flowers, and as corny as it sounds, sprinkle rose pedals on my bed.

As it turned out Hilory did come back. We cooked dinner together like a couple. We drank the Champaign and we of course slept together. Again our love making was intense, but this time we talked instead of falling asleep.

This was all new to us, yet it felt so natural. We both had our fears which basically were just our families, but we were also scared about the future, and what was in store for us both. Hilory wanted to be a famous actress, and I wanted to be a director, or at the very least be Hilory’s agent.

As we were close to falling asleep Hilory looked into my eyes and said “promise me we’ll always be together. Promise me you’ll always be there when I need you. I don’t think my life would be worth a damn if you weren’t in it. You can always put a smile on my face and make me laugh even when I am miserable and in tears. Never let me go, never leave me behind… I love you and I always will.”

“I promise, I promise my love, I’ll never leave you ever.” I replied as I kissed her sweet lips.

The next day started off earlier then we both would have liked. My folks were coming home and we had a mess to clean. The rose pedals were every where, and my mothers’ special china needed to be cleaned as well. We decided to keep hush hush about our relationship until the back to school/ fall dance or roughly there about.

When we finished cleaning, we took a shower together and then it was time for Hilory to part. Later that night she phoned me cell.

“Hey baby.” I answered quietly yet excitedly.

“Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night till it be morrow.” Hilory spoke with the perfect English accent.

I couldn’t help but give a little chuckle, and then reply to my fair lady love. “Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast! Uhhh… If I were… Would I were sleep and peace, so you… So sweet to rest!”

“I love you Alex.” Hilory whispered in the phone.

“I love you too Hills.”

“Good night babes.”

“Good night love.”

The rest of the summer was spent by us avoiding our families, and spending our time anywhere but close to home. Hilory and I still slept together whether it was at my or her house. Everything felt like it jus added to the relationship.

Around every corner we wondered who was watching, who knew about us and who would open their mouths and start talking. We spent so much energy trying to keep things in the closet, that it was no wonder that people seemed to ask questions through their eyes. Because in truth, me and Hilory did change, and we weren’t the same friends we once were to each other. Clearly there was no way going back to the way things were before.

By the end of the summer, things were getting more and more and tense. I wanted to tell people before the dance to limit the shock; Hilory didn’t want to say anything to anyone. I would ask her if she even wanted to go to the dance with me, she said she did. Even though things seemed to get harder, we still loved each other. I still loved her.

School was about to start and we had to choose our classes. It was different this time. Hilory didn’t want to so many classes with me out of fear of people catching on. Like she wouldn’t be able to resist me and she would let things slip. But I wasn’t sure if that was the real deal or not. Whatever it really was, it scared me.

No matter how difficult things got, she always phoned me at night to tell me that she loved me and to wish me goodnight.

When school started we had about 3 classes and only one of them was an option. We sat together in all the classes we did have, which was nice, but the distance was becoming an issue.

The dance came and went. What should have been the perfect night was only half as good. We ended up not telling our parents. Hilory’s mom started doing the ‘you’ve been spending extra time with Alex lately’ or ‘where are you and Alex going?’ and of course the “are you gay?” Hilory told the truth, accept when it came it came to the gay question in which Hilory declined. To persuade her mom in thinking otherwise, she accepted the proposal from one of the schools football jocks. That was gross, and didn’t seem like something Hilory would do, even if we weren’t together. I remember thinking, but I decided to go along with it because I was scared of losing her if I said other wise.

It was in mid October that auditions for the school play were being posted out side the drama room. Hilory and I did both productions the previous year. I looked at this year’s production and I couldn’t believe my luck, William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. This was something I had to audition for, rather be just a stage crew member.

I was already prepared, I could have easily auditioned right there and then. If I knew Hilory I would know that she would audition for the part of Juliet. It was so simple. I would try out for the part of Romeo.

The problem was if I told Hilory, she would freak and tell me not to audition, but if I didn’t she couldn’t tell me not too. However, she would still get upset. At this point, it wasn’t just about her, it was about me as well, and being in this play was important to me for sentimental reasons.

Auditions were held a couple of days after the posting. I had to stay clear of Hilory when we signed up as well as after school when auditions were going on. I felt bad for not telling, but I could always drop out if my relationship was at stake.

When my name was called I got up on stage and they asked for what part I was auditioning for. The drama teacher laughed when I said Romeo and proceeded to inform me that I would have to kiss a girl, to try to change my mind. To his surprise, I told him it didn’t matter to me. He then tried to give me a piece of the script to read from and again I surprised him by telling him I didn’t need one.

“Alas that love, whose is muffled still, should without eyes see pathways to his will! Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here? Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all. Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love. Why then, O brawling love, O loving hate, O anything of first create! O heavy lightness, serious vanity. Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms. Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health, still-working sleep, that is not what it is! This love feel I, that feel no love in this. Dost thou not laugh?”

The drama teacher was speechless. My audition was flawless; I was convinced I had the part. I had the accent, as well as the proper volume in my voice, needed to convince the audience. I left feeling very much satisfied and wondered how Hilory would feel if I got cast for the part of Romeo.

It was a week later. I remember it being a Friday when the posting of who made the cut. I was pleased to see that Hilory got the part; she was so happy as she jumped up and down and hugged me. When I looked to see who got cast as Romeo, my heart sank. On the sheet of paper to my horror was that stupid jock.

I could have cried I was so angry. Hilory didn’t have a clue for the reason of my silence, my lack of enthusiasm for her accomplishment. This isn’t how it was supposed to end up; I should have been cast to play the part as Romeo.

By the end of the day my emotions were high. I had to know why I never get the part. I had to know why. It didn’t matter if Hilory was beside me or not, I went to the drama room with Hilory in toe and asked Mr. Martin the drama teacher in a demanding voice.

“Mr. Martin, why didn’t I get the part for Romeo? I was good, what did I do wrong, how can that dumb fuck Brian get the part? He isn’t even a good football player, how can you expect him to be a fucking Shakespearian actor?” Hilory was shocked as her mouth was wide open.

“Well perhaps this is his calling, rather being an athlete. As for you Miss Harris, how could I possibility allow a female to play a male role. I’m sorry Alex, you were good, but I will not allow that behavior in this school on MY stage.” Mr. Martin responded and then whispered in my ear. “I will not tolerate such fagot-ry on my stage Miss. Harris.”

I was dumb struck, Hilory was confused in general and Mr. Martin continued on naturally. Did he call me a fagot? Is fagot-ry even a word? I mean hello I’m female; if you must be derogatory, make sure you use the correct derogatory remark. I would be a dyke not a fag. Besides, in Elizabethan times wasn’t plays only done by male actors? Now that is fagot-ry right there.

“Mr. Martin I did better in the audition, I deserve that part.”

“The best I’ll do is give you a supporting role… If you want to be a man so much, I’ll let you be Mercutio or something but I will not give you the part of Romeo… Other then that you can be a part of the stage crew again. Dustin needs someone to do lights. Take your pick Miss Harris, but don’t waste my time.” Mr. Martin said.

This was bull shit. If I decide to be Tybalt I think I would give Romeo a thorough beating before he kills me. If I play Mercutio, I don’t think I could stand being a friend to him. I couldn’t stand that kind of on stage chemistry.

I left the drama room with a question to be answered and my beloved Hilory who didn’t have anything to say. She had the look of disbelief rather then anger. Surely she understood that I did this out of love for her.

We walked home in silence, if this was the end I would be a total idiot if I said I didn’t see it coming. I loved Hilory, but I had no idea what she wanted anymore. It was time to break the silence.

“You haven’t said a single thing to me. Are you mad at me? You’re mad at me aren’t you? It’s not like I’m going to play Romeo. I probably won’t even get to be one of the actors. I don’t get what the big deal is.”
Hilory just continued walking, without saying anything. She looked like she was thinking, possibly thinking on what she wanted to say to me, whether or not to get angry and freak out, or to be calm.

Together we walked to the park and there we went under our tree. It was winter now and snow was on the ground, so we couldn’t sit on the ground. I stood still, but Hilory paced, back and forth, and around the tree. She never once made eye contact, but continued to look like she was thinking.
“Hilory, stop… Just stop please. Stop pacing.” I said as I tried to make Hilory stop by physically grabbing her, but she slipped out of my grip and continued on. “HILORY STOP!” I yelled out loud.
She stopped in mid step, turned around and looked at me. Again she looked like she was shocked, but that quickly faded, into a face that was tainted with anger.
“How could you do this? How could you just go behind my back and do this… Audition for the play without talking to me. What were you thinking? And auditioning for Romeo? I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to be out and on display for people to see?”
“No Hilory, I think you decided that. I wanted to come out. I wanted to hold your hand as we walked into the school on our first day. I wanted to take you to the dance, and dance that stupid…” I paused and waited a moment for me to choke back my tears. “I wanted to dance with you. But you didn’t want too. You didn’t want to Hilory. It’s like you don’t want to be with me anymore. I mean… Do you want to even be with me still? Do you still love me?”

All Hilory could do in that moment was turn away from me and look away and start kicking the snow. She looked in every direction accept the one I was in. The only sound that escaped her lips was the one of just air blowing from her lips every time she exhaled.
“If you don’t want me to do the play, I won’t do it… I’ll do the lights or something. Poll up the curtain, or something, I’ll do anything. It doesn’t matter.” I said with hesitation. Cleary I was lying, because how could it not matter to me?
“Maybe you should do the lights.” Hilory turned around and looked at me with a smile, but it wasn’t her regular smile. “If you do the lights, you will still get to see me. You’ll still get to see me play Juliet”
I didn’t say anything. I just looked into her eyes and tried to find that look you give someone when you love them. Maybe my love was blind, maybe it was because she was a good actress in my eyes; but then she kissed me, and it was all I needed to make me believe whatever she wanted me to believe.
It was decided that I was to do the lights; I wasn’t going to act in the play. The following day at school, I went to talk to Dustin and Mr. Martin. I told him that I would do the lights if I was still needed to do them.
The look that Mr. Martins face and eyes gave was the look of glee and accomplishment. As if he set me straight.

As the weeks progressed and the opening night drew nearer and nearer, I became more and more paranoid that Hilory wasn’t all there. She became more and more distant.
After school we would be in rehearsals, and on weekends she would be practicing with Brain. On quite a few occasions, Brain asked if she wanted a ride home in his car and she accepted, leaving me on the side of the road in front of the school. I asked myself if I saw guilt in her eyes at all. I was beginning to think that I saw nothing. As stupid as it sounds, I still loved her even though it felt like she didn’t, even when she said she did.

On opening night, the play started off well. I lighted up the stage, and watched as my beautiful Hilory spoke her lines. It was hard to remember my lighting cues as she looked so amazing on stage. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else.
As the play went on I noticed something… something beyond anyone could ever possibly notice. It was like sparks were flying through the air. Has my beloved Hilory fallen for this guy? I watched and watched these rehearsals for weeks, and never did I see such a disgusting sight.

“If my heart’s dear love.” Brian spoke as Romeo to my Hilory who was Juliet.

Then they kissed, and it was then that I turned off the lights. It was a reaction. As if I could not bare to watch such an action. I turned it on and the play went on, as if it was just a minor technical difficulty.

Hilory kissed Brian once more before saying her line to dear Romeo… our line, the line that was meant for me, and me alone, she spoke to Romeo… a half witted idiot named ‘I’m-a-dick-face-named-Brian’. “Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night till it be morrow.”
The moment she said those words I felt as if a knife went into my chest. Like a burning sensation that I wondered if I could ever feel any kind of release from.
“Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast! Would I were sleep and peace so sweet to rest! Hence will I to my ghostly father’s cell. His help to crave, and my dear hap to tell.” Brian answered back before exiting.
The play went on, and it didn’t get any better. My jealousy continued to get worse as my heart continued to beat against my chest, threatening to burst free and plop down onto the ground. I was afraid that if my heart were to fall onto the ground I’d be in such a state of mind to kick it across the room.

As the play drew closer to the end, and it was becoming more dramatic as the inevitable death of the two which should have been the heartbreaking ending that might have sent the crowd into a tear fest… but once again I turned off the lights and this time. I didn’t turn them on again. Instead I stood there frozen and I felt my body tremble. I got poked and shook before Mr. Martin turned the lights back on just in time for the finish.
The crowd gave a standing ovation for the performance bringing an end to the opening night of Romeo and Juliet. There was to be another four performances before the play closed on the Friday a week before Christmas Holidays.
When everyone left except the stage crew and actors and actresses; that is when Mr. Martin walked up to me angrier then I could ever possibly imagine a teacher to be.
“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” Mr. Martin yelled and then continued in a slightly calming manner. “What were you thinking you stupid… twat?”

In front of everyone, he called me a twat… a stupid twat no less. Was that allowed? Was that even possibly allowed? There was no way in Hell he could be allowed to talk to me in such a way. I was dumbfounded, and left speechless as he continued on in front of everyone… including Hilory, who stood on only to watch, with Brian at her side, how humiliating.
“You did it on purpose…” said Dustin, quietly yet accusingly.
“Why? Why would you do such a thing? Oh I know why…” Mr. Martin laughed before going on. “It’s because I wouldn’t give you the part of Romeo isn’t it. You couldn’t stand your precious ‘friend’ being kissed by a boy or what?”

Everyone’s whose eyes were on me gone straight to Hilory and then the odd little chuckle started to occur. Hilory wasn’t impressed with me; in fact she walked away and out of the gym where the play took place.
“You are off this production.” Mr. Martin spoke and then walked away.
I tried looking for Hilory, after all was said and done, after I was kicked off the production team, but she was no where to be found. I tried her house, but no one was home, I tried calling her cell phone but no answer. So this was the shame she didn’t want.

The week went on, and Hilory refused to speak to me. She told me to leave her be, and that she would talk to me when she felt ready. She wanted to be left alone, to have her space. All I could do was respect her, as heartbreaking as it was to do so.
Friday came and as painful as it was to watch. I went to the final show. I sat in front row, and I clapped when everyone else clapped, but carefully on the floor was some flowers that I had for her. I had to apologize to her; it broke my heart for her to be so upset with me. It killed me when the thought of losing her was at my finger tips.
When the play ended I waited for her. When everyone left she was still not to be found. I took my flowers and searched all over the school and outside. I figured she went to an after party, but nothing could prepare me for what I was to find. Nothing could have ever possibly prepared me for what I saw.
In the parking lot in Brian’s car, was Hilory in the Back seat with Brian on top… Brian had his pants around his ankles and Hilory’s top off. He was fucking her like an animal… without mercy or grace. Without sweetness, without passion.

I had the air sucked out of my lungs, I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t move I couldn’t do anything but take up space in the world. When I sucked my first breathe of air, the exhale turned into a scream. Hilory and Brian looked up and out the window and saw me with flowers in my hand and the look of pure agony on my face. I turned and ran away. I couldn’t watch, nor did I dare try to do anything. In my flight the roses fell to the ground.
With tears in my eyes, I felt like I couldn’t return home. My anger and hurt swelled inside as it consumed me whole. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have allowed this to happen?
I didn’t return home that night, nor did I come home the day after that. I didn’t come home until Sunday morning. As soon as I walked into the door my mom and dad raced towards me in concern. Glad to see me home and safe. Apparently they called the police and Hilory. I asked them if she called or not, and they said she didn’t.
My parents tried to ask me where I was, but I didn’t say a word. I went upstairs and showered and went to my bed, the bed that I and Hilory shared together on that fateful summer night. The bed I woke up from to find flowers and a note full of love and genuine caring.
I cried softly into my pillow so I wouldn’t make any noise for my family to hear and question me. However, crying into a pillow did little to keep my parents out. They came in and on either side of my bed they sat. All I could say was “I’m gay”
My mom and dad just sat there and looked at each other. Opening there mouths but nothing did manage to escape there lips but ‘hush’s’ and ‘ohh’s’.

“Did you talk to Hilory at all? Did she say anything?” I sniffled.

“She said she didn’t know where you were and that she hasn’t spoken to you in a week. Is that why you didn’t come home Alex sweet heart, because of Hilory?” My mom said calmly as she put her hand on my shoulder. It couldn’t have been more obvious.
I nodded in response.

“You should have come home. You scared the shit out of us. Why didn’t you just come home?” My Dad asked

“Because I couldn’t… I just couldn’t come home. I saw Hilory fuck Brain in the school parking lot. I just couldn’t come home.” I explained.
“Alex we love you, we support you, and you could have told us. We kind of figured that there was something going on with you and Hilory. You guy’s just seemed closer all of a sudden, and then really distant.”
“So we were that obvious?” I asked as I lifted myself off the bed slightly to look and my mom

The conversation went on and on all through the night. Questions like ‘where did I stay?’, ‘where did I sleep?’, ‘Did I eat anything?’ and of course ‘when did you and Hilory figure out that you were… you know… gay?’

I finally didn’t have a reason to hold myself back. I didn’t have a reason to hide myself. For the first time in months, I was free to say how I felt, who I feel I am, and all the other details I chose to tell. It wasn’t about Hilory anymore… or so I thought.

School was not easy when I went back to school on the Wednesday morning. As far as Hilory or anyone new, I dropped off the face of the Earth until now, even though I came home on the Sunday. Either way, it wasn’t like I had a welcome back, we’re glad you’re ok party. I was officially an outcast.

Laughed at and made fun of by my fellow peers. Words like ‘dyke, fag, and queer’ were the top words of choice for people to call me, ‘freak’ was another one. My biggest tormentor was the obvious one, Brian. At morning, lunch and after school he made it a point to track me down with Hilory in toe and make out with her in front of me. I don’t know if he was trying to make me want to commit suicide or lash out and say something to cause people to notice and make fun of me some more.

I made it through the day, the week, the month and the next couple of months after that. Eventually the novelty wore off, and people began to leave me alone. Brian on the other hand, continued to make it his manly duty to see that I don’t get near Hilory ever again. However, he couldn’t control Hilory outside of school when she was at home spending a rare weekend home alone.
One night in March I was sitting underneath our tree in the snow, just sitting there thinking, staring up at the grey sunless sky, when Hilory walked up and just stood there looking at the oblivion in silence.

“Can I help you?” I asked coldly as I looked up at Hilory.

Hilory just remained silent unchanged accept for her sitting in the snow beside me.

Again I asked “Can I help you?”

“I’m sorry Alex… I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” I laughed “You’re sorry? Are you serious?”

“I’m sorry Alex…” Hilory said again as she wiped away a tear that streamed down her face. “I saw you here alone, and I just came here to tell you that I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you.”

“That’s it? You are sorry for the pain you caused me. What about the lies, the deceit… for cheating on me?”
All Hilory could say and do was wipe away her tears and tell me she was sorry.

It was hard to see Hilory like this, it just showed me that somewhere inside of her, she still felt something for me… maybe she still loved me. So I got on my knees and crawled in front of her and grabbed her face and kissed her. She didn’t push me away, but instead kissed me back. When we broke our kiss I wiped her tears away from her eyes and told her I loved her and continued to kiss her. When we broke the kiss for a third time and told her that I loved her, I asked her to tell me she loved me. She couldn’t. I tried to kiss her again and she couldn’t do that either.

“Tell me you love me Hilory; tell me you still love me… Why can’t you tell me you love me, you still love me right? Hilory?”

Hilory got up and started to walk away. She turned around once to say “I’M SORRY!” before taking off into a run. By the direction she was going… It wasn’t in the direction of home.

There was three months of school left before the end of my second year of high school, and it wasn’t exactly the easiest three months, but it definitely went by fast.

I spent the summer traveling with my family. They thought it best to be traveling rather then wondering around town stressing over what was.

When school started up again, I didn’t attend the same school. I went somewhere else. My parents felt I could get a better education where tolerance and acceptance was a key factor. Where teachers helped the student’s and cared about the student’s well being.
The school was great; I even managed to find myself another girl friend, one that didn’t hide away and was open. Her name was Melanie. I also had friends, who didn’t care about my sexuality. I even joined the drama production directed a play called the school play called ‘The Crucible’ by Author Miller.

Everything seemed to be clicking in place for me. I still saw Hilory from time to time, but never a word is ever spoken. We hardly made eye contact, but I’m sure she has seen me bring home the new girl friend.

One day during one my rehearsals for the school play, the teacher announced that we would be performing two shows on opening day. The first show was for other local high schools to come and watch; the other would be just for opening night.

Curiosity hit me like a sack of bricks to the side of the head. I wonder if Hilory was going to come and see my play. Not that it mattered though; I just thought it would be nice to show her a little piece of my new life. To see the changes in my life.

Opening day was a smashing hit. The play really seemed to move the crowd. I stood in the background in the drama room where our plays were and spotted Hilory in the crowd watching the show. I was almost relieved to see her without Brian, but sadly she had someone else holding her hand.

The play it self turned out very well. I couldn’t have done a better job in directing my cast.

At the end, when the cast came out to take a bow, my girl friend came out on stage and started talking. This was something we didn’t rehearse.

“On behalf of J. A. Hailey High School drama production of Author Miller’s ‘the Crucible’ I want to say thank you for coming. I also want to say thank you to Alexia Harris, the director of this play. If it weren’t for her direction, I don’t think this play would have been as good as it was.” She paused to let the audience clap.

From my stand point I could see Hilory looking around the room, as if she was trying to spot someone amongst all the people.
“Alex come down here and say something.” My girl friend waved me down.

That’s when Hilory spotted me. I felt like I had no choice but to walk onto the stage and address the audience. I purposely walked past Hilory, and for a brief moment I let our eyes lock together, before breaking her gaze to meet Melanie’s on stage. We hugged before I made my unprepared speech, which I made with the occasional look at my ex.

“Thank you Melanie…” I said as I looked at her briefly. “Ummm… I’m not quite sure what to say. Thank you for coming to see the play.” I looked at Melanie, my cast members even the drama teacher for a little direction in what it was that I was meant to say. I settled for why ‘the Crucible’.

“Ummmm… I am new here to this school, my first year here. I always loved theatre; I’ve been doing school productions since I was in the junior high. Since my experience at my old school, never have I felt a stronger connection to Author Miller’s ‘the Crucible’. I know what it means to be judged in front of my peers. I know what it means to stand trial in front of everyone I thought were my friends. To be back stabbed and accused. I wasn’t a witch, but I was treated like one. I understand how people can fear the unknown, but ignorance is not an excuse to be able to be arrogant… Love thy neighbor and keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

When I finished the audience applauded. I could tell who attended my old high school, as they were the only ones who didn’t clap. They must have known what I meant, even Hilory couldn’t clap, whether it was shame or not, I don’t think I’ll ever have known either way.

I finished my senior year at J. A. Hailey High School with an award in drama, as well as a full scholarship to the Vancouver Film School where I learnt to be a director in the TV and Film industry. As for Me and Melanie, we didn’t last the whole year, but we still remain close.

It’s been 10 years since that day in the drama room where mine and Hilory’s eyes met for that short moment. After high school, and while I attended film school I would come home during the holidays, but I haven’t seen Hilory since then.

Now I’m being called home. I haven’t been home in 7 of those 10 years. I got an urgent message from my mother to come home, but she didn’t say why, just that I come home as soon as I could.

So here I am at home. I walked in the door, and it was the usual hugs and kisses. I asked what the urgency was that I come home, and if everything was ok. They assured me that they themselves were fine. However, instead they told me that Hilory’s mom has a letter for me from Hilory that I needed to read.

I was confused; I couldn’t understand after all these years, why does Hilory’s mom have a letter for me? No sooner did I enter my parents house, did I walk out the door and down the street. Knocking on Hilory’s door, I thought I might find Hilory answer the door, but instead her mother answered.

“You have a letter for me?” I asked without any greeting of any kind.

She sighed and gestured that I come in. I haven’t set foot in this house for close to 11 years, everything was different. She gestured me to the couch and asked if I wanted anything to drink. I politely said no, and remained standing.

“Hilory wrote you a letter…” she said as she went and dug through a folder containing all sorts of different papers, non in which I saw. She grabbed what she was looking for and just before she handed it to me. I saw a look of what one would look like if they choked back every single feeling in there body back.

She spoke again, but first with a sigh. “Hilory passed away…” She paused to my gasped version of me trying to say ‘what?’ “Hilory committed suicide… last month. I guess you were on her mind when she decided that after taking a bottle of prescription drugs and then chase it down with a bottle of rum only to think that it was a good idea to slit her wrists and hang her self on a tree in the park…” She handed me the letter.

I was beside myself for words, as my body started to numb itself sitting on the couch that I earlier declined to sit in felt like a reasonable thing to do… better then falling to my knees on the floor.

“She always was one for drama. To bad she never really made it as an actress, instead all she got to be was a waitress in pub where she occasionally got to sing karaoke. Care for a drink?”

I nodded a yes and clenched the letter in my hand.

Hilory’s mom brought me a whisky glass half full of golden liquid, I put it to my lips for a drink and to my shock it was rum. Was this a sick joke, or was it for real?

“My daughter is dead… You managed to confuse her and leave her. I hope you burn in Hell for your sins. If I didn’t love my daughter I would have thrown that letter in the trash.”

I put the glass of rum on the table, and staggered back home in a drunken like stagger. The funny thing was I was the most sober I’ve ever been in my life.

Without words I walked into the house and up the stairs. Walking past my mother and my father and into my old room that was left the same way for 10 years. I sat down at my desk and began to read.

“July 18, 2008

Dear Alex,

My apologies for the circumstance in which I write this letter to you. I never meant for it to be like this, but here it is.

I wanted to tell you, how sorry I am for the things I did to you back in high school. I was a coward and a weak individual. I never meant to hurt you, it was never my intention. When I saw your play at the new school you went too, and when you made that speech, I knew I was wrong. I knew that I hurt you. Then again, I’ve always known.

I just wanted to tell you that I loved you more than anything in the world. You were my life. My mother encouraged a relationship with Brian; she wouldn’t allow me to run lines with you, because she felt you were no good that I should be practicing with the man who was to play Romeo… Brian assumed it was because I was interested in him. But me being weak, I couldn’t tell him that I was already taken; especially by a woman.

I wasn’t happy with what I was doing, and even though I’ve apologized once before… I know it was never enough. It still will never be enough.

I and Brian broke up during that summer after grade 11. That’s when my mother forced me into therapy. It’s been 11 years, and I’ve been seeing a shrink for 10. As if he can cure me of this… The only thing wrong is the fact I let the best part of me go… Its guilt I suffer from.

When I saw your play, and I saw how confident you were on that stage. I knew that we would never be the way we were.

As you may or may not be aware of. My whole life has been one failure after another. I watched your career grow when you finished college. I’ve seen all your movies, and I just wanted to say, that you are a far better person then I could I ever be or ever was.

Congrats on your Outfest award, I’m sure you’ll be an Oscar winner in no time.

With Every Beat of My Heart,

Hilory

P.S. To answer your question, I do love you, and I always have, and always will.”

I finished the letter, and laid it down on my desk. I turned my chair and looked at the bed we once shared. I looked around the room were we shared our most intimate moments. All I could ask myself is, after the things we’ve done to each other, after everything, did I still love her? The answer is yes. Yes I do.

“I love you too Hilory.”

Say It’s Possible

By Terra Naomi

I see the lights are turning
And I look outside the stars are burning
Through this changing time
It could have been anything we want
Its fine salvation was just a passing thought.

Don’t wait act now
This amazing offer wont last long
Its only a chance to pave the path were on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
And in time well sort it out

And though they say its possible to me
I don’t see how its probable
I see the course were on
Spinning farther from what i know
Ill hold on
Tell me that you wont let go
Tell me that you wont let go

And truth is such a funny thing
With all these people
Keep on telling me
They know what’s best
And what to be frightened of
And all the rest are wrong
They know nothing about us

And though they say its possible to me
I don’t see how its probable
I see the course were on
Spinning farther from what i know
Ill hold on
Tell me that you wont let go
Tell me that you wont let go

I’m not alright

This could be something beautiful
Combine our love into something wonderful
But times are tough I know
And the pull of what we cant give up takes hold

– Jen Larson April 2008
Inspired by: Myself

It’s selfish but it’s true
Think about it…
If you were me and I were you
You wouldn’t be able to bare the thought of knowing
that even though you were in love with me
I wouldn’t be with you.
So save me from this painful feeling
I just don’t want to know

– Jen Larson April 2008
Inspired by: Audra Y

i tried so hard
it wasn’t enough
I brought myself down
I can’t get up
I’m a little outta luck
This feeling can’t go on
it can’t go on
I gotta just keep movin’ on

Everyone who heard
about the sad, sad girl who took the wrong turn
Every message she sent
Every word she said
Can never be undone
What is done is done
She just so happens to be a little out of luck

– Jen Larson April 2008 
Inspired by: Myself

Be my muse,
oh blessed Seraph from the sky.
From your enchanting song,
may I fall into a peaceful slumber,
where I may dream,
of a love and I.

And when I shall awake,
please forgive me when I ask.
‘Oh Heavenly Angel of the sky.
Sing to me another blissful lullaby,
so that I may once again dream,
of my true love and I.

– Jen Larson March 2008
Inspired by: Myself

The secrets that she keeps,
sometimes turns into lies.
How does she tell you, what she feels inside?
Does she even tell you at all?
If she ever tells you,
can she trust you to keep it to your self?

At one point in time, she used to believe in God.
Now in her eyes, it’s a just a bunch of lies, 
and now that she’s older, she’s trying to question.
“why am I the one who is damned?
is it because I love woman instead?”

To some, it doesn’t matter, they’ll give her a shrug,
and to others it’s a mortal sin.
In some countries they will kill,
a few will allow her to marry,
and whatever is the rest, will treat her like second class.

In the end, to her it doesn’t matter.
What she feels inside, is a feeling that only comes natural.
Love is just a feeling. 
Gay or straight, it’s whatever her heart desires.

– Jen Larson March 2008
Inspired by: Myself

– Jen Larson February 2008
Inspired by: Myself

“You are my bright shining star
You shine brighter then all the rest
Whenever I feel lost
Will you guide me home?
Be my shooting star
and shine your way across my heart
If you are meant to fall
fall for your hearts desire
You’ll be someone else’s falling star”

Look at what I have done
I’ve gone and wrote you a song
I gave it my heart and soul
I gave it my entire being
This is such a song
In which I dedicate it all to you
This is how I feel
This is how I feel today
This is your song, it’s all I have to say.

– Jen Larson February 2008
Inspired by: Amy B